Please, No More Dating Advice

How many more articles can I possibly read that claim to have the secret to successful dating?

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

Dating is supposed to be fun, a special kind of adventure that hopefully leads us to a person that we want to commit to for the foreseeable future. So, why can’t we just be ourselves in the dating process? Every day on Medium and social media, there are dozens upon dozens of articles purporting to have the secret to finding our perfect partner; countless essays that claim to contain the five secrets to finding the right person, or the three things every woman should do to be unforgettable, etc. I admit, I used to read these pieces ad nauseum to make sure that I wasn’t missing some key ingredient in my search for love. The only thing all of this advice succeeded in doing was confusing the hell out of me, making me question myself, and causing me undo anxiety in the dating process.

I tend towards an anxious attachment style, so the last thing I need is anything else contributing to the already fraught reality of the dating landscape in the modern world. I overanalyze everything, including my own behaviors and tendencies. Not to mention, some of this advice is completely counter to my personality and feels so forced and out of character for me. I want to attract someone who thinks that I am pretty freaking amazing just as I am, not how some dating advice essay told me I should be. I always try to be authentically myself, so anything else feels so forced that it is instantly obvious to someone when I’m not being myself. Better to find out sooner than later if I am “too much” for someone, since they clearly were not my person anyway. Also, everyone is different and wants/needs something different in a partner. It is not possible for one person’s opinion and advice to encapsulate the desires of everyone.

No one has cracked the code on a surefire way to meet someone who is right for us. Yes, there may be certain things or behaviors that can better position us to meet someone (and I am a huge advocate of working on ourselves so we can be self-aware), but so much of it comes down to luck and timing and the bigger plan for our lives. And yet, somehow, there are millions of books on how to find “the one,” how to have dating success, how to “get the guy,” etc. Again, I have bought into all of this in the past. When you are single for a long time, sometimes you start to wonder why that is the case and question your deep knowing that it will happen when it is meant to happen. I no longer choose to get stuck there.

I have done so much work on myself as a person and have gained valuable self-awareness skills as a result. I know that I am worthy of love, just as I am. I choose to trust that the person who is right for me will come into my life when they are meant to, and that no amount of me worrying, stressing or trying to force things to happen any faster will make one bit of difference. It also helps to look to the past, simply for evidence of this exact reality. I have been in numerous long-term relationships, which were all beautiful and special in their own ways and taught me so much about myself in the process. Even though they didn’t last forever, they are a part of me and my story; I wouldn’t be who I am today without those experiences and am so grateful for them. It also demonstrates that we don’t need to buy into a scarcity mindset around relationships. There is no shortage of love in this world, and we aren’t on some specific timeline to be in a relationship.

Every day, when I see all of this dating advice coming at me through my computer or phone, I choose to scroll right by it. It has greatly contributed to my peace of mind and my ability to instead tap into my own intuition around what is right for me in dating and relationships. Looking inward is not something that many of us are very skilled at doing effectively, but when it comes to who we choose to spend our time with in a relationship, we really can trust ourselves and our bodies. I would rather spend time listening to what my inner wisdom is telling me instead of engaging with the deluge of advice in the dating space.

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Based in California, loves writing, reading, yoga and concert-going and finds people and relationships endlessly fascinating

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Breanne Szabados

Breanne Szabados

Based in California, loves writing, reading, yoga and concert-going and finds people and relationships endlessly fascinating

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